Choosing Communication Platforms for Private Arrangements

Where you communicate is almost as important as what you communicate. In casual arrangements—especially ones you prefer to keep private—choosing the right platforms can protect your privacy, reduce anxiety, and prevent the kind of digital mishaps that turn a manageable situation into a crisis.

This guide walks through the practical considerations for picking communication tools that work for your specific arrangement.

Why Platform Choice Matters

You might think a text is a text is a text. But consider these real scenarios:

You send a message on your main iMessage thread, and it pops up on your iPad while your roommate is using it
Your regular SMS messages get backed up to a shared family cloud account
You are using a platform that shows read receipts, and now your casual partner is anxious because you "saw the message and did not reply for three hours"
A screenshot-friendly app makes it trivially easy for private conversations to be shared

Platform choice is not about being secretive or paranoid. It is about being intentional with your digital footprint. For more on the broader topic of digital privacy in casual arrangements, see Digital Privacy in Casual Agreements.

Key Features to Consider

When evaluating any communication platform for a casual arrangement, think about these features:

End-to-End Encryption

This means only you and the other person can read the messages—not the platform, not your internet provider, not anyone else.

Platforms with end-to-end encryption by default:

Signal (strongest reputation for privacy)
WhatsApp (encrypted, though owned by Meta)
iMessage (between Apple devices only)

Platforms where encryption is optional or absent:

Standard SMS/MMS text messages (not encrypted)
Instagram DMs (encryption available but not always default)
Telegram (only in "Secret Chats," not regular chats)
Email (generally not encrypted unless you use specific tools)

Disappearing Messages

Some platforms let you set messages to auto-delete after a certain period. This is useful if you want conversations to have a natural shelf life.

Signal — Highly customizable disappearing message timers
WhatsApp — Offers disappearing messages (24 hours, 7 days, or 90 days)
Telegram — Secret Chats support self-destructing messages
Snapchat — Messages disappear by default, though screenshots are possible

Notification Previews

Even the most secure app is useless if message previews show up on your lock screen while your phone is sitting on the table.

Action item for any platform you choose:

Turn off lock screen message previews
Disable notification content for that specific app
Consider whether the app icon itself on your home screen is something you want visible

Read Receipts and Online Status

These small features cause outsized amounts of anxiety in casual arrangements. If you and your casual partner have different communication styles, visible read receipts can create pressure that neither of you wants.

Check whether read receipts can be disabled
Check whether "last seen" or "online" status can be hidden
Discuss with your partner whether these features should be on or off

We cover this in more detail in Communication Norms and Boundaries.

Platform Recommendations by Situation

For Privacy-First Arrangements

Best choice: Signal

Signal is the gold standard for private communication. End-to-end encrypted, no ads, no data collection, disappearing messages, no read receipts by default, and it is run by a nonprofit. If privacy is your top priority, this is the answer.

Tradeoff: Some people do not have Signal installed, and asking someone to download a new app can feel loaded.

For Everyday Casual Dating

Best choice: Whatever you both already use comfortably

If you are casually dating and privacy is a moderate concern (not a critical one), the platform you both already have is usually the best option. The friction of switching apps can create more problems than it solves.

Just make sure you have a quick conversation about notification settings and screenshot expectations.

For Arrangements Requiring Discretion

Best choice: Signal or a dedicated app you both agree on

If discretion is essential—maybe one or both of you has reasons to keep this arrangement private—you should use a platform that is separate from your daily communication apps.

Some people create a secondary messaging account specifically for their arrangement. This keeps the conversation physically separated from work chats, family messages, and friend groups.

For Coordinating Logistics (Scheduling, Finances)

Best choice: A shared notes app or simple spreadsheet

For tracking shared expenses or coordinating schedules, communication apps are not ideal. Consider a shared note (Apple Notes, Google Keep) or a simple shared spreadsheet. This keeps logistical details separate from personal conversation and makes things easier to reference later.

See Tracking Shared Expenses Fairly for more on this topic.

Ground Rules to Establish Together

Once you have chosen a platform, have a quick conversation about these ground rules:

Screenshots — Are we both agreeing not to screenshot conversations? This is about trust, not enforceability.
Saving media — If photos or videos are shared, are they auto-saving to camera rolls? Should that be turned off?
Message deletion — Are we using disappearing messages? If so, what timer?
Backup settings — Are chat backups enabled? Cloud backups can undermine encryption.
What happens to messages if we end things? — See Digital Cleanup After Ending an Arrangement for a thorough guide.

A Note on Digital Boundaries vs. Control

There is an important line between protecting mutual privacy and one person controlling the other's digital behavior. Healthy platform choices are:

Mutually agreed upon — Both people choose together
Transparent — The reasons for the choice are clear
Flexible — If something is not working, you can revisit it

Unhealthy dynamics look like:

One person demanding the other use a specific app to monitor them
Requiring someone to prove they deleted messages
Using platform features to track someone's online activity

If you are sensing a pattern of digital control in your arrangement, that is a red flag worth exploring. Our Power Dynamics and Fairness hub has resources that can help.

The Practical Takeaway

Do not overthink this. The best communication platform for your arrangement is one that:

Both of you are comfortable using
Offers a level of privacy that matches your needs
Does not create unnecessary anxiety through features like read receipts
Keeps your arrangement's conversations separate from the rest of your digital life

Have a five-minute conversation about it, make a choice together, and move on. You can always switch later if something is not working.