Exclusivity Clauses: Agreeing on Whether You Can Date Others

Few topics in casual arrangements generate more anxiety, more assumptions, and more conflict than exclusivity. Are you seeing other people? Can you? Should you? Do you want to know about it?

Most people would rather eat glass than have this conversation. But having it—clearly, honestly, and early—will save you from the kind of gut-punch surprises that end arrangements and damage trust.

Why Exclusivity Needs to Be Discussed Explicitly

In traditional committed relationships, exclusivity is generally assumed after a certain point. In casual arrangements, nothing is assumed—or at least, nothing should be assumed.

The problem is that people do assume. Constantly. In opposite directions.

Person A thinks: "We have not discussed exclusivity, so obviously we are both free to see other people."

Person B thinks: "We have been seeing each other regularly for two months. Obviously we are exclusive now."

Both people feel justified. Both people are operating on unspoken assumptions. And when reality collides with those assumptions, it is devastating—not because anyone did anything wrong, but because nobody said anything at all.

For a broader framework on setting these kinds of expectations, see our Setting Expectations hub.

The Spectrum of Exclusivity

Exclusivity is not binary. There is a range of arrangements, and understanding the options helps you figure out what actually works for your situation.

Fully Exclusive

Both people agree to see only each other—physically and romantically. This looks a lot like a traditional relationship in practice, even if the overall arrangement is labeled "casual."

Best for: People who want the emotional security of exclusivity but without the pressure of traditional relationship labels and milestones.

Physically Exclusive, Emotionally Open

Both people agree not to be physically intimate with others, but are free to date, flirt, or emotionally connect with other people.

Best for: People who are primarily concerned about sexual health and safety but do not want to restrict each other's social and romantic lives.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Both people are free to see others, but neither wants to hear about it. What happens outside the arrangement stays outside the arrangement.

Best for: People who are comfortable with non-exclusivity in theory but find the details emotionally difficult to process.

Caution: This model can work, but it has pitfalls. When boundaries are violated without your knowledge, you cannot address them. And the secrecy can create a sense of living a double life that becomes stressful over time.

Open and Transparent

Both people are free to see others and are open about it—sharing as much or as little detail as both parties are comfortable with.

Best for: People who prioritize honesty and are genuinely comfortable with non-exclusivity. This model requires strong communication norms and emotional maturity.

Asymmetric Arrangements

Sometimes one person wants exclusivity and the other does not, and they negotiate a middle ground. For example: "I am exclusive to you, but you are free to see others."

Caution: Asymmetric exclusivity can work, but it requires careful attention to power dynamics and honest assessment of whether both people are genuinely comfortable—or if one person is just agreeing to keep the arrangement alive.

How to Have the Exclusivity Conversation

When to Have It

Sooner than you think. Ideally, this comes up in the first few conversations about what the arrangement is. If it has not come up yet and you have been seeing each other for more than a few weeks, it is overdue.

You do not need to have it on the first date. But you should have it before anyone makes assumptions.

How to Start It

Direct approach: "I want to make sure we are on the same page about seeing other people. What are your thoughts?"

Sharing-first approach: "I want to be upfront—I am (or am not) seeing other people right now. Where are you at with that, and what would you prefer for our arrangement?"

Checklist approach: If you are working through a casual dating expectations checklist, exclusivity is one of the natural items to cover.

What to Cover

Once you have opened the conversation, address these specifics:

The basic agreement — Are we exclusive, non-exclusive, or something in between?
Definition of terms — What counts as "seeing someone else"? Physical intimacy only? Dating? Emotional connections?
Disclosure expectations — If one of us starts seeing someone new, do we tell the other person?
Health implications — If we are not exclusive, what are the expectations around sexual health and protection? (See Consent and Physical Boundaries)
Off-limits people — Are there specific people (friends, exes, colleagues) who would be off-limits?
Changes over time — How do we revisit this if one of us wants to change the arrangement?

Putting Exclusivity Terms in Writing

If you are structuring a casual agreement, the exclusivity section does not need to be complicated. Here are some example clauses in plain language:

For an exclusive arrangement: "Both parties agree to be physically and romantically exclusive to each other for the duration of this arrangement. If either party wishes to see someone else, they will discuss it with the other person before acting on it."

For a non-exclusive arrangement: "Both parties are free to see other people. If either party begins a new sexual relationship, they agree to inform the other within [timeframe] for health and safety reasons."

For a don't-ask-don't-tell arrangement: "Both parties are free to see other people. Neither party is obligated to disclose details about other relationships unless it affects sexual health."

Adjust the language to fit your situation. The goal is clarity, not legal precision. For more on writing agreements in accessible language, see Plain Language vs. Legal Language.

When Exclusivity Changes

Exclusivity agreements are not set in stone. Feelings evolve, circumstances change, and what worked three months ago might not work now.

Signs it is time to revisit the exclusivity conversation:

One person has started developing deeper feelings
One person has met someone they want to date seriously
The current arrangement is causing jealousy or anxiety
Life circumstances have changed (moving to a new city, changed relationship status)
Either person feels the current terms are not working

Use a check-in conversation to revisit exclusivity. Frame it as an update, not a confrontation: "I want to check in about where we are with the exclusivity side of things. How are you feeling about it?"

For broader guidance on adapting arrangements over time, see When Expectations Change Mid-Arrangement.

Common Exclusivity Mistakes

Assuming exclusivity without discussing it. This is the most common and most damaging mistake. Never assume. Ask.

Agreeing to terms you are not actually comfortable with. If you want exclusivity but agree to non-exclusivity because you are afraid of losing the arrangement, you are setting yourself up for resentment. Be honest about what you need.

Using exclusivity as a control mechanism. Demanding exclusivity from someone while not offering it yourself is a one-sided arrangement. Exclusivity should be mutual and fair.

Not revisiting the agreement. What you agreed to at the start may not reflect what either of you wants six months in. Regular check-ins prevent outdated agreements from causing new problems.

Punishing honesty. If someone tells you they are interested in seeing other people, responding with anger or guilt-tripping punishes the honesty you asked for. You can feel hurt—that is valid—but separate your emotional response from how you treat the person who was brave enough to be direct.

The Bottom Line

Exclusivity is one of those topics where the conversation is always less painful than the alternative. Five minutes of directness now prevents months of assumptions, anxiety, and betrayal feelings later.

Know what you want. Say it clearly. Listen to what the other person wants. Find the overlap. And if there is no overlap, that is important information too—better to know now than to discover it painfully later.

For more on setting expectations in casual arrangements, visit the Setting Expectations hub.