Conflict Prevention Tools

CONFLICT PREVENTION CHECKLIST ============================== Date: _______________ Completed by: [ ] Person A [ ] Person B [ ] Both BEFORE STARTING THE ARRANGEMENT [ ] We have each stated what we're looking for in plain terms [ ] We have discussed and agreed on financial terms (if applicable) [ ] We have identified our hard boundaries and shared them [ ] We have agreed on communication frequency and channels [ ] We have discussed relationship expectations explicitly [ ] We have talked about what happens if one of us wants to end things DURING THE ARRANGEMENT [ ] We have a scheduled time to check in on how things are going [ ] We know how to raise concerns without it feeling like an attack [ ] We have agreed on how to handle changed circumstances [ ] Neither of us is relying on assumptions about the other's feelings [ ] We have a written record of our key terms (even informal notes count) PRIVACY & SAFETY [ ] We have agreed on what personal information is shared vs. private [ ] We have discussed photo/message storage and deletion policies [ ] We have a plan for what happens with shared information if we part ways [ ] Both of us feel physically and emotionally safe in this arrangement RED FLAGS TO WATCH FOR If any of these appear, pause and re-evaluate: [ ] One person consistently avoids discussing terms in writing [ ] Agreed-upon terms keep changing without mutual conversation [ ] One person feels unable to bring up concerns [ ] Financial terms are vague or shifting [ ] One person discourages the other from telling anyone about the arrangement [ ] Boundaries that were agreed upon are being tested or ignored

DIFFICULT CONVERSATION PLANNER ================================ Date: _______________ Planned by: _______________ STEP 1: DEFINE THE ISSUE What specifically is bothering me? (Be concrete — "I feel undervalued" is less useful than "The last two payments were late without explanation.") _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ When did this start? _______________________________________________ How many times has it happened? [ ] Once [ ] A few times [ ] It's a pattern STEP 2: CHECK YOUR GOAL What outcome do I want from this conversation? [ ] Acknowledgment that the issue exists [ ] A specific change in behavior [ ] Renegotiation of terms [ ] To understand their perspective [ ] To end the arrangement [ ] Other: _______________________________________________ Am I open to hearing their side? [ ] Yes [ ] Mostly [ ] I've already decided STEP 3: PLAN YOUR OPENING Use "I" statements. Avoid blame language. Instead of: "You always _______________" Try: "I've noticed _______________ and I want to talk about it." Instead of: "You never _______________" Try: "It matters to me that _______________ and lately it hasn't been happening." My planned opening: _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ STEP 4: ANTICIPATE THEIR RESPONSE What might they say? _______________________________________________ How will I respond if they get defensive? _______________________________________________ How will I respond if they dismiss the concern? _______________________________________________ What's my bottom line? (At what point do I walk away?) _______________________________________________ STEP 5: LOGISTICS When will I bring this up? [ ] At our next meeting [ ] Over a call [ ] Via message first Setting: [ ] Private (their place or mine) [ ] Public (restaurant, café) [ ] Remote Do I need time after the conversation to process? [ ] Yes — I'll plan for _______________ [ ] No

RED FLAG ASSESSMENT ==================== Date: _______________ Completed by: _______________ Rate each item from 0 to 3: 0 = Not happening 1 = Has happened once or mildly 2 = Happens occasionally or noticeably 3 = Happens regularly or severely COMMUNICATION RED FLAGS ___ Avoids putting agreements in writing ___ Changes terms verbally and denies the original version ___ Responds with anger or silence when concerns are raised ___ Uses guilt to end disagreements ___ Goes silent for extended periods without explanation FINANCIAL RED FLAGS ___ Support amounts shift without discussion ___ Support is withheld as punishment or leverage ___ New financial expectations appear without prior agreement ___ One party controls all financial decisions ___ Financial terms are described as "generous" to shut down discussion BOUNDARY RED FLAGS ___ Boundaries agreed upon are repeatedly tested ___ "Jokes" are used to push past stated limits ___ Privacy terms are violated (telling others, sharing photos) ___ One party pressures the other to share more than agreed ___ Consent is treated as a one-time event rather than ongoing POWER DYNAMIC RED FLAGS ___ One person makes all scheduling decisions ___ One person's preferences consistently override the other's ___ "I do so much for you" is used to win arguments ___ One party feels unable to say no without consequences ___ Ending the arrangement feels unsafe or financially devastating SCORING 0–5: Low concern. Continue with normal check-ins. 6–12: Moderate concern. Have a direct conversation about specific items and consider using the Difficult Conversation Planner. 13–20: Serious concern. Consider whether this arrangement is healthy for both parties. Consult a trusted friend or professional. 21+: Critical concern. Prioritize your safety and well-being. Consider ending the arrangement with support from a trusted third party. YOUR TOTAL: _______________ Items scoring 2 or 3 that need immediate attention: 1. _______________________________________________ 2. _______________________________________________ 3. _______________________________________________