The Biggest Pitfall: Ignoring the Exit Plan
Nobody starts a casual arrangement thinking about how it will end. You're excited. The terms feel right. The other person is engaging and attractive. Why ruin the mood by talking about endings?
This is exactly the reasoning that leads to the most common — and most preventable — disaster in casual arrangements: having no plan for when things stop working.
Why People Skip the Exit Plan
The psychology is predictable:
Optimism bias. "Our arrangement is different. We communicate so well, we'll figure it out when the time comes." Maybe you will. But statistics and human nature suggest otherwise.
Discomfort with mortality (of the arrangement). Talking about endings feels like acknowledging failure before you've even started. It feels like you're planning for the arrangement to fail.
Fear of spooking the other person. "If I bring up exit terms, they'll think I'm already planning to leave." In reality, raising this topic signals maturity, not detachment.
Belief that "casual" means "uncomplicated." If it's casual, ending should be easy, right? Just stop seeing each other. In practice, even the most casual arrangements develop patterns, dependencies, and emotional weight that make clean exits surprisingly hard.
What Happens Without an Exit Plan
Here's what typically unfolds when an arrangement without exit terms reaches its natural end:
Scenario A: The Slow Dissolve
Neither person wants to have the ending conversation, so the arrangement fades. Meetups become less frequent. Texts dry up. One person is confused, the other is relieved, and nobody actually says the words. See When Silence Becomes a Problem for more on this.
The damage: Lingering uncertainty, no closure, and the possibility of unexpected resurgence ("Hey, are we still doing this?") months later.
Scenario B: The Blowup
Something triggers a conflict — a boundary violation, a missed payment, a new partner discovered — and the arrangement ends in anger. Without exit terms, there's nothing to guide the process. Property disputes, privacy threats, and emotional manipulation fill the vacuum.
The damage: Burned bridges, potential privacy violations, financial losses, and lasting resentment.
Scenario C: The Hostage Situation
One person wants out, but there's no framework for leaving. Financial dependencies, shared secrets, or emotional pressure makes it feel impossible to end things cleanly. The person stays in an arrangement that no longer serves them because leaving seems worse than staying.
The damage: Erosion of self-respect, growing resentment, and eventually an even messier exit when the situation becomes unbearable.
Scenario D: The Legal Threat
Without clear terms about what happens at the end, disagreements about money or property escalate into legal threats. "I'll sue you for everything you gave me." "I'll tell your wife." "My lawyer will be in touch."
The damage: Expensive legal bills, destroyed relationships, and public exposure of private matters. See When to Hire a Lawyer if you're already in this situation.
What a Good Exit Plan Covers
An exit plan doesn't need to be lengthy or complex. It needs to answer six questions:
1. How does either person initiate the ending?
Define the method: in person, phone call, or — at minimum — a written message. Ghosting is explicitly not acceptable. Both people agree to communicate directly if they want to end the arrangement.
2. How much notice is required?
Agree on a notice period that's proportional to the arrangement's depth. A few days for something new, a couple of weeks for something established.
3. What happens financially?
- When does the last financial obligation occur?
- Are there any outstanding debts to settle?
- What's the policy on gifts versus loans?
4. What happens to property?
- How will shared or borrowed items be returned?
- What's the timeline for the exchange?
- Who keeps shared purchases?
5. What are the privacy obligations after the ending?
Both people should commit to maintaining confidentiality about the arrangement even after it ends. Discuss:
- Deletion of intimate content
- Non-disclosure of arrangement details
- Social media behavior
See Post-Arrangement Boundaries for a detailed framework.
6. Is there a no-contact period?
Agree on whether you'll go no-contact after the ending, and for how long. This gives both people space to process and prevents backsliding.
An Exit Plan Template
Here's a simple framework you can adapt:
Ending the Arrangement:
Either person may end this arrangement at any time, for any reason. To end the arrangement, the initiating person will [communicate in person / call / send a written message] stating their wish to end.
Notice Period: [X days/weeks] from the date of notice.
Financial Wind-Down: All financial obligations end on the last day of the notice period. Outstanding amounts will be settled within [X days].
Property: Items lent (not gifted) will be returned within [X days] of the arrangement ending. Intimate photos and recordings will be permanently deleted by both parties within [X days].
Confidentiality: Both parties agree to maintain confidentiality about the arrangement indefinitely after its conclusion.
Contact: Both parties agree to [no contact for X days / limited contact / contact at mutual discretion] following the end of the arrangement.
Bringing Up the Exit Plan Without Killing the Mood
The trick is framing. Don't say: "So, when this all goes wrong, here's what I want to happen." Instead, try:
"I want us to set this up right from the beginning." Position the exit plan as part of doing the arrangement well, not as a prediction of failure.
"This is actually a sign of how much I respect this." Taking time to plan a respectful ending shows you take the arrangement — and the other person — seriously.
"Think of it like a prenup." Happily married couples sign prenups not because they expect divorce, but because they want to make responsible decisions while they're still thinking clearly and caring about each other's wellbeing.
"I've seen other arrangements go badly because they skipped this." It's easier to talk about other people's mistakes than to seem like you're predicting your own.
What People Get Wrong
"Talking about the exit plan means we're not committed." Actually, it means you're committed to doing this right — including the ending.
"We can figure it out when we get there." You won't be at your most rational, kind, or generous when an arrangement is ending. Plan while you are.
"Exit plans are only for arrangements with money involved." Even purely companionship-based arrangements benefit from exit terms. The emotional and privacy considerations apply regardless of financial components.
"If I bring up an exit plan, they'll think I'm already done." Frame it correctly and most people will respect the maturity. If someone refuses to discuss exit terms altogether, that's actually a red flag about how they'll handle the eventual ending.
The Bottom Line
An exit plan is the single most important element of a casual arrangement that almost everyone skips. It's the safety net you hope you'll never need but will be profoundly grateful for when you do. Set it up early, make it fair, and revisit it during your regular check-ins.
The best time to plan for the end is at the beginning. The second-best time is right now.
For more on endings, visit our Ending Arrangements hub. For other common mistakes to avoid, explore our Common Pitfalls hub.