Friends-With-Benefits Agreements: Yes, People Write These

The reaction to "friends-with-benefits agreement" usually falls into one of two camps: "that's brilliant" or "that's the least romantic thing I've ever heard." Both reactions miss the point.

An FWB agreement is not about killing spontaneity or reducing attraction to a contract negotiation. It is about having the conversation that most FWB pairs avoid—the one about expectations, boundaries, and what happens when feelings change—and keeping a record of what you both said.

Because here is the thing: FWB arrangements fail at an extraordinarily high rate, and the failure is almost always caused by mismatched expectations that never got discussed.

Why FWB Arrangements Fall Apart

Research and common experience point to the same handful of reasons:

One person catches feelings. This is so common it is practically the default. Without a plan for this scenario, it destroys both the arrangement and the friendship.
Jealousy about other partners. If exclusivity was never discussed, one person may assume it while the other does not.
Unequal effort. One person initiates all the contact. The other only responds when convenient.
The "what are we?" conversation never happens—or happens too late. By the time someone asks, months of assumptions have built up on both sides.
Friends find out, and it gets complicated. Social dynamics change when mutual friends learn about the arrangement.

Every single one of these problems is preventable with a clear conversation up front. An agreement is simply that conversation in written form.

What to Include

1. What This Is (and What It Is Not)

Start with a plain statement of the arrangement:

This is a friendship that includes a physical component.
This is not a romantic relationship, and neither party should expect it to become one.
Both parties value the friendship and intend to preserve it regardless of whether the physical component continues.

This sounds clinical, but writing it down forces both people to confirm they are on the same page. Many FWB arrangements start with one person already hoping it will become more. That is not a foundation—it is a time bomb.

2. Exclusivity (or Lack Thereof)

This is the question most FWB pairs avoid, and it is the one that causes the most pain later.

Options to discuss:

Non-exclusive: Both people are free to see or sleep with others.
Sexually exclusive but not romantically committed: Physical exclusivity without the expectations of a relationship.
Don't ask, don't tell: Neither person shares information about other partners.
Full transparency: Both people communicate about other partners.

There is no right answer. The only wrong answer is not having the conversation.

3. Communication Expectations

How do you initiate? Text? In person? Is there a minimum or maximum frequency?
Is this a "you up?" at midnight situation, or do you plan ahead?
How do you communicate if one person is not in the mood? (This should be straightforward and guilt-free.)
Do you text between hookups like friends, or only when arranging to meet?

4. Boundaries

Physical and emotional boundaries deserve explicit discussion:

What physical activities are on the table? What is off-limits?
Sleepovers—yes or no?
Cuddling, hand-holding, and other affectionate behaviors outside of sex?
Meeting each other's families or attending events as a "plus one"?
Social media—can you post photos together? Tag each other?

These boundaries often reveal whether both people are truly looking for the same thing. If one person wants sleepovers and brunch the next morning, and the other wants to leave immediately after, you may have different arrangements in mind.

5. The Feelings Protocol

This is the most important section and the one most people want to skip.

Agree in advance on what happens if one person develops romantic feelings:

They will tell the other person. Agree that catching feelings is not a failure or something to be ashamed of. It is a signal that the arrangement needs to be reevaluated.
The arrangement pauses immediately. Give both people space to think without the physical component clouding judgment.
The options are clear: Either both people want to explore a relationship (in which case the arrangement evolves), or the physical component ends and both parties work to preserve the friendship.
No guilt. The person who caught feelings should not be made to feel foolish, and the person who did not should not be made to feel guilty.

6. Confidentiality

Who knows about this?

Specific friends who are in the loop?
Mutual friends—do they know or not?
What if someone asks directly?
Social media discretion?

Disagreements about who knows can blow up an FWB arrangement faster than almost anything else. Discuss it early. For more on this topic, see our guide on writing a confidentiality section.

7. Health and Safety

This is non-negotiable:

Safe sex practices and expectations
STI testing frequency and disclosure
What happens if someone's health status changes

8. The End

How does this end? Options include:

Either person can end the physical component at any time, no explanation required.
A specific cool-down period where you do not see each other to allow the dynamic to reset.
A commitment to check in on the friendship after the physical component ends.

See our article on how to write an exit clause for more detail on structuring endings.

How to Actually Have This Conversation

You do not need to slide a contract across the table over dinner. Here are some approaches that work:

The shared document. Create a shared note on your phones. Each person adds their expectations and boundaries independently, then you compare and discuss the differences.

The question list. Send each other a list of questions to answer separately, then talk through the answers together. This works well for people who process better in writing than in real-time conversation.

The casual conversation with a follow-up. Have the conversation in person, then one of you writes up what was discussed and sends it to the other for confirmation. This feels less formal but still creates a written record.

What People Get Wrong

"If we have to write it down, we're overthinking it." You are not overthinking it. You are thinking about it exactly the right amount. The people who do not have this conversation are not more spontaneous—they are more likely to end up hurt.

"This kills the chemistry." Knowing where you stand with someone does not kill chemistry. Anxiety about unspoken expectations does.

"We don't need this—we've been friends forever." The friendship is exactly why you need this. If you did not care about preserving it, you could just wing it and deal with the fallout. The agreement protects the friendship.

The Bottom Line

A friends-with-benefits agreement is not about making things transactional. It is about making things clear. The conversation itself—about expectations, boundaries, feelings, and endings—is what separates FWB arrangements that work from the ones that end in awkwardness, hurt feelings, and lost friendships.

Have the conversation. Write it down. Your friendship is worth that much.

For more on different types of casual agreements, explore our Types of Casual Agreements hub.